Making Mountains out of Molehills in Relationships

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Yesterday, 02:07 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 445	A question keeps running through my head, "do we give too much life to things that might not be real?" because I find that I always seem to be worrying about one thing or another in my marriage especially, and then living based around those worries or situations I "think" I'm going through. I assume things, or making false accusations... So I guess my questions are, Why do we always tend to make mountains out of molehills? Why can't we live day to day, instead of thinking so much about yesterday and the day before that? Why do we worry so much about what will happen tomorrow, especially in regards to relationships? Why do we never want to forgive people for their mistakes? These may seem like really dumb questions, but I wonder sometimes....If we all put down our worries, and concentrated only on what we can do to better ourselves instead of trying to change other people, wouldn't that lead us one step closer to having healthier lives in general? I don't know if any of you will want to reply to this, but I just want to put it out there. Feel free to put your two cents in.
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Yesterday, 02:20 PM	? #2 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 1,841	Quote: Why can't we live day to day, instead of thinking so much about yesterday and the day before that? Why do we worry so much about what will happen tomorrow, especially in regards to relationships? Why do we never want to forgive people for their mistakes? Well I think it all depends.the only time I think of yesterday or day before that (where its in anyway interupting with living today so to speak) is if its not resolved."no closure" left open ended and or even still ongoing. Pretty much for me If I do worry? Again its open ended and no closure and again especially if its a repeated "theme" ..like "lied to me again" no "security" wont lie again tomorrow because its a "pattern" with not a lot of time to heal in between.. The 3rd one is not me.I do want to forgive people for mistakes but for reasons as stated above they can sometimes make that far more difficult for you .But forgiving someone is like a breath of fresh air to me a "release" and I want to do it.Its not just for them..actually sometimes it isn't for them at all.You can forgive a dead person as an example.
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Yesterday, 03:08 PM	? #4 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Aug 2012 Posts: 1,191	Quote: Why do we always tend to make mountains out of molehills? Firstly this is not a "why do we" question because not everyone does this. I will say that when I was miserable towards the end of my marriage that things looked far bigger than I could cope with but the reality was that things actually were huge. Big big problems. On an everyday level no I don't turn the small stuff into bug stuff, I just tend to take whatever action is required and move on. Why can't we live day to day, instead of thinking so much about yesterday and the day before that? Again not everyone does this. Living in the present is the way I roll. At times there is great reflection on the past or excitement about the future but generally my days are flat out and I stick to thinking in the present. Why do we worry so much about what will happen tomorrow, especially in regards to relationships? Not worry about tomorrow with my relationship, excited about the future though. Why do we never want to forgive people for their mistakes? This is such an important thing to do not only for them but also for us. I have well and truly forgive the person that hurt me the most in life, it is a liberating feeling and let's you just get on with your life.
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Yesterday, 07:21 PM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Kansas City Metro area Posts: 2,377	Quote: A question keeps running through my head, "do we give too much life to things that might not be real?" because I find that I always seem to be worrying about one thing or another in my marriage especially, and then living based around those worries or situations I "think" I'm going through. I assume things, or making false accusations... So I guess my questions are, Why do we always tend to make mountains out of molehills? Why can't we live day to day, instead of thinking so much about yesterday and the day before that? Why do we worry so much about what will happen tomorrow, especially in regards to relationships? Why do we never want to forgive people for their mistakes? These may seem like really dumb questions, but I wonder sometimes....If we all put down our worries, and concentrated only on what we can do to better ourselves instead of trying to change other people, wouldn't that lead us one step closer to having healthier lives in general? I don't know if any of you will want to reply to this, but I just want to put it out there. Feel free to put your two cents in. It's been said that a short memory for the bad stuff and a long one for the good things is what makes a marriage last. Your idea is the same principle, just in the future.
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Yesterday, 07:42 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Nov 2012 Posts: 529	Along the lines of dallasapple's first comment, it's very difficult for me to "move on" and forgive and forget when the issue never gets resolved...when it gets swept under the rug, when my feelings are invalidated frequently. It's little hurts that add up to one big one eventually...a dismissal of my opinion about something that affects me as much as him, a cold shoulder lasting days that ends abruptly with no explanation, a unilateral change in pre-marital decisions such as how many children to have, constant walking on eggshells to ward off angry outbursts over trivial matters. Then when trying to discuss the issue immediately, I'm told to stop taking things so personally...everyone has a bad day...if I try to bring it up later, I'm accused of holding grudges for every little thing. For me, this is why it's hard to let go of yesterday and just be happy with today, to just forgive and forget...because to forgive someone for past hurts, it sure as heck would make it much easier if that person would meet half way and acknowledge their contribution to the problem.
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Yesterday, 07:57 PM	? #9 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Somewhere Out There Posts: 3,664	Quote: Well I think it all depends.the only time I think of yesterday or day before that (where its in anyway interupting with living today so to speak) is if its not resolved."no closure" left open ended and or even still ongoing. Pretty much for me If I do worry? Again its open ended and no closure and again especially if its a repeated "theme" ..like "lied to me again" no "security" wont lie again tomorrow because its a "pattern" with not a lot of time to heal in between.. The 3rd one is not me.I do want to forgive people for mistakes but for reasons as stated above they can sometimes make that far more difficult for you .But forgiving someone is like a breath of fresh air to me a "release" and I want to do it.Its not just for them..actually sometimes it isn't for them at all.You can forgive a dead person as an example. I quoted this because I think she says it better than I can. I agree with what I have emboldened. It is the open-ended, no-closure issues which make it so difficult to heal and move forward. My belief is, they know and have experienced this. It is done intentionally. If not, and they once truly loved you and wanted to forgive and be forgiven, they would provide their story, problem or reason. I have not figured out how to forgive when the issues remain. Edit: I have added this quote from Waking up to life because I agree with this part: "For me, this is why it's hard to let go of yesterday and just be happy with today, to just forgive and forget...because to forgive someone for past hurts, it sure as heck would make it much easier if that person would meet half way and acknowledge their contribution to the problem." __________________ "anything I did better today than I did yesterday is progress" - Saki Last edited by 2ntnuf; Yesterday at 08:01 PM.
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Yesterday, 08:30 PM	? #10 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: starbucks Posts: 212	Quote: Along the lines of dallasapple's first comment, it's very difficult for me to "move on" and forgive and forget when the issue never gets resolved...when it gets swept under the rug, when my feelings are invalidated frequently. It's little hurts that add up to one big one eventually...a dismissal of my opinion about something that affects me as much as him, a cold shoulder lasting days that ends abruptly with no explanation, a unilateral change in pre-marital decisions such as how many children to have, constant walking on eggshells to ward off angry outbursts over trivial matters. Then when trying to discuss the issue immediately, I'm told to stop taking things so personally...everyone has a bad day...if I try to bring it up later, I'm accused of holding grudges for every little thing. For me, this is why it's hard to let go of yesterday and just be happy with today, to just forgive and forget...because to forgive someone for past hurts, it sure as heck would make it much easier if that person would meet half way and acknowledge their contribution to the problem. When you get to the point where you are walking on eggshells. That's not a molehill thats a mountain. I know, I was there and that statement was my deciding factor to save myself and my kids.
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Yesterday, 09:04 PM	? #11 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 1,077	Quote: A question keeps running through my head, "do we give too much life to things that might not be real?" because I find that I always seem to be worrying about one thing or another in my marriage especially, and then living based around those worries or situations I "think" I'm going through. I assume things, or making false accusations... So I guess my questions are, Why do we always tend to make mountains out of molehills? Why can't we live day to day, instead of thinking so much about yesterday and the day before that? Why do we worry so much about what will happen tomorrow, especially in regards to relationships? Why do we never want to forgive people for their mistakes? These may seem like really dumb questions, but I wonder sometimes....If we all put down our worries, and concentrated only on what we can do to better ourselves instead of trying to change other people, wouldn't that lead us one step closer to having healthier lives in general? I don't know if any of you will want to reply to this, but I just want to put it out there. Feel free to put your two cents in. We don't HAVE to do any of that. I am convinced that the secret to happiness and contentment is in the "letting go". It is also in living for today, and planning for tomorrow. I think a long time ago, I quit wishing and wondering and hoping and worrying.... especially when it comes to relationships but really, in alot of aspects of life. I think we can make a choice. To either wallow, or to forge ahead.... and if you can get past the past.... THEN you get to coast. A few tips... daily inspirations (yay for the internet!), old sayings such as "Count your blessings" etc... there are tons. Find a "mantra"... at one of my hardest times my mantra was that little mole/groundhog thing from Caddyshack singing "I'm alright, nobody worry 'bout me". That was me, finding my own way in spite of some real crap around me. My point is....it is within you... find it.
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Yesterday, 09:08 PM	? #12 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 1,841	Quote: I quoted this because I think she says it better than I can. I agree with what I have emboldened. It is the open-ended, no-closure issues which make it so difficult to heal and move forward. My belief is, they know and have experienced this. It is done intentionally. If not, and they once truly loved you and wanted to forgive and be forgiven, they would provide their story, problem or reason. I have not figured out how to forgive when the issues remain. Edit: I have added this quote from Waking up to life because I agree with this part: "For me, this is why it's hard to let go of yesterday and just be happy with today, to just forgive and forget...because to forgive someone for past hurts, it sure as heck would make it much easier if that person would meet half way and acknowledge their contribution to the problem." That's so sweet of you to say..but I suspect you could have said it just as well..I have met many "wise" people who view things this way or better yet have figured this out.
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