Mother Paradox: Reminder.

I went to a baby shower yesterday. ?That is not a favorite activity of mine. ?I don't think I need to write a post about why baby showers suck. ?I could, believe me, but I think you all know already. ?And if I wrote about baby shower suckage, I wouldn't be able to write something that is more important and that I want to record here on my blog. ?This blog has faltered at times, but it is a place where my life is recorded. ?It's for me, and hopefully, for my kids one day. ?I don't want to forget how that baby shower made me feel.

The mom-to-be (MTB, henceforth) is a sweetheart and so is her husband. ?The shower was held at their home which is a sweet little cape with small rooms and beautiful walls full of color. ?It is cozy. ?I drove over two hours to get there. ?I almost never leave my boys on my weekends off from work. ?NEVER. ?Two weekends a month we are all together and mostly we stay at home in our house. ?And I gave MTB's new baby a gift that I made, a hand-painted crib, bedclothes, and a doll. ?While I had been dreading the long drive and being away from my family, my darker feelings began to lighten as I spent time in their home. ?MTB had a scare a couple of months ago. ?Her cervix started to shorten and she nearly went on complete bed rest. ?The idea of bed rest is bad enough, but the idea of a very premature baby is frightening beyond measure. ?MTB became tearful a number of times throughout the party, thanking everyone for coming and for supporting her through her worried time. ?You could see, though, that her worry is not over. ?She trembled a little as she cried. ?And I knew just how she felt.

I was moved. ?To tears in the car on the way home. ?I remembered how my own pregnancy had been so difficult to achieve, that their was a loss of a twin early on, that I had a huge cyst on my ovary, that at the end my amniotic fluid was getting lower and lower. ?I remember becoming a mother during my pregnancy, how much I worried and thought about my baby. ?I remember that I went to see my doctor at the very end and that Pete stood next to me as I laid on the exam table. ?I remember that I began to sob before she even entered the room. ?Pete thought something had happened, that I was in pain, and I was so choked by tears that I couldn't tell him that I just couldn't take another moment of worry. ?I remember that night in the hospital, I had to go to the bathroom and the nurse held my arm and guided my IV pole and that I fell and she caught me and I thought to myself, my god, she is so strong. ?I remember the last push when my son came forward and I do not remember the pain because I do believe the mind doesn't want you to bring that shit up. ?I remember the nurse sprawled on the floor where I had knocked her with the force of my leg's push as I strained. ?I remember my son was born then.

And I remember how much I wanted another child. ?How much it took to get to my second son. ?I remember every necessary document, background check, fingerprinting, scrutinization. ?I remember the 28 months of being on a list and seeing the finish line creep away farther all the time. ?I remember preparing for a girl and, instead, having a boy. ?I remember my secret relished joy that it was a boy and not a girl. ?I remember his sweet face in the referral photo. ?I remember again the worry cranking up about how he was being cared for. ?I remember the first time I saw him in Ethiopia. ?I remember his drooly peachiness. ?I remember leaving him. ?I remember that as the nine weeks passed until we got to see him again that I might have gone right off the cliff insane because that is wholly unnatural. ?I remember the embassy giving us the go ahead to come get our son. ?I remember sobbing with relief. ?I remember bringing him home and all the nights I have slept next to him since. ?I remember his soft grasp of my fingers at night.

And I remembered my husband. ?I remembered the day we met, the day I moved in with him, the day he proposed, the day we married, the day we moved into our house, the day our dog died, the days our cats died, the day his grandmother died, when his dad had cancer, when we went through infertility treatment, when we suffered losses, when we triumphed, when we went to Ethiopia as a family and watched that family grow. ?I remembered hikes and dinners and driving places with him. ?I remembered how he makes me laugh. ?I do think he thinks he is here to entertain me. ?And he does. ?I remembered how steadfast he is, how loyal.

I kept driving. ?And the sunset coming down the mountain into New York was outstanding, as this is what January is meant for around here. ?The sky was alit with pink and purple and baby blue and soft white. Just like a baby shower. ?And I counted all my blessings and I drove home to my little house and I looked at my boys and I kissed them and sniffed them and touched them and I was happy to be reminded of every little thing about each one of them.

Source: http://motherparadox.blogspot.com/2013/01/reminder.html

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